11

A western starring Sam Elliot brings a certain amount of, let’s say, expectations to the screen. For one, we expect a full food catching mustache. One that holds on to precious pieces of Froot Loops for days on end! (yes, they spelled froot wrong, I mean fruit! Curse you Kellogg’s!). There is also an expectation of hard nose sounding MEME ready catch phrases that will have Ronald Regan shaking in his boots de-unionized boots from the hard on. We get both of those things in this HBO made movie of the week. But not much else.

The best thing you could say about this movie is that if you paid the elite class American price tag to subscribe to HBO back in the day then this would be something you might tell your friends about while sitting around a fire like “Hey, we got that Sam Elliot western on HBO the other day, it was great….well it was ok…Hell it beats a CBS sitcom and I right boys?”. Note to younger readers – This was in the days before great moments of TV were aired such as Two Annoying Broke Girls and Mike & Molly Get Tested For Diabetes.

8

This western is probably better than your average TV western. Certainly more than a Lifetime (Television For Women) knock off a little house on the prairie romp. But this one is rather boring. At times it feels like there is no plot. The focus goes towards the bad guys more than it should. Eventually their story becomes more interesting in a way and you want to find out more. But then it just goes back and forth making the villains less scary or threating. As if you are watching a chess match where you can see what both opponents are doing. Where’s the drama?

9

Quickly the film turns into something you might be embarrassed to watch. Not because of how cheesy some of Elliot’s lines are but the over sexualized manic rape theme this movie has. It feels gross, you are expecting a punch line or to see NBA players doing cartwheels in the background as part of some John Oliver skit or something. Lay off the raping of wife a little Sam Elliott. Please, for the children.

1

There are at least 3,000 times where Sam Elliot’s Con Vallian makes not so subtle remarks that he wants hog tie Kate Capshaw’s character, Susanna, faster than you can say pork and beans. After a while you have to pause the movie and look out the window to make sure the FBI is not ready to SWAT you. It feels dirty. You might feel more comfortable watching a gangbang porn that some of the interactions in this movie. There would be some interesting post movie conversations if you happened to watch this with a child.

4

“Mommy, are you ‘My Woman’. No son, never say that again.” Elliot brings the full on creeper vibe big time. The H in HBO stands for Horny apparently.  Con keeps stalking the family that’s trying to cross the country. It’s cool he keeps saving their lives and all but why such a creep? It becomes less about their trip and the hardness of it all and worrying if you are going to see a rape scene on top of Willy E Coyote’s den in the middle of the night. Wooo we doggy, got me a fine der there woman do I.

7

There is a gang of outlaws that are trying to stop the wagon westward. Mainly for their goods. But the big guy in the gang also wants the woman. Technically he called dibs on her before Sam Elliot did. What is with all these rapetastic men roles in this movie and in westerns? The story is rather predictable and bland besides that oddness. When watching the movie somebody like Scott Bakula might be better suited for this role.

3

The casting in this film is rather poor. The villains are ok and Sam Elliot is serviceable but the main family is a mix of people that would never be together. The father of the family played by Tom Conti comes off as a Jewish banker, not suited for war or crossing the country. They play him off as being weak and not a real man. And if he does not watch out Con will steal his woman and make her….his woman?

6

So much claim to women, how is this not slavery? Anyways, Kate Capshaw is married to this guy, for who knows why. They have a son, who looks like an Indian. More of an Indian than the Indian half breed as they call him in the film. No way did this kid come from them. Pretty sure Susanna had an extra martial affair and Duncan is in denial.

2

The Quick and The Dead is now overshadowed by the much more interesting film of the same name. If you are into creepy rape culture westerns and more blatant innuendos than you can shake Quagmire from Family Guy at then check this movie out. Otherwise stay at least 300 yards away at all times.

5

Ronald Regan Boner Lines Said By Sam Elliot

“Shoot to kill. Wounds don’t impress them. They’ve all been shot before.”

“I work hard, every day of my life, just stayin’ alive.”

Paraphrasing – “I know you are his wife, but are you his woman.”

Paraphrasing – “If this were a different time I’d make you my woman”

Best Actor

This is going to be a draw for this flim. Nobody really stands out. Get it, draw…

Worst Actor

The casting director…er..the family kid Tom, played by Kenny Morrison. Seriously, if he says “pa” one more time!…..

Best Scene

Some of the scenery was pretty and not just Kate Capshaw

Worst Scene

All the scenes that you think are going to be turned into a rape scene but don’t. Then you forgot what the plot was but were just happy you did not see a rape.

Alternate Movie Names

The Quick & The Rape

If You Are Dead You Are Not Quick, Cause You Are Dead

Mustache Killer From Mars

The Good, The Bad & The Mustache

To Kill A Mocking Mustache

Hits

  • Kate Capshaw agreed to do this after reading the script
  • Sam Elliot’s Mustache
  • Nice scenery for budget movie

 

Misses

  • Too much remarks about loving women
  • Not memorable at all
  • No real character development, who needs that pfff

10

Grade D

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