attack-force-movie-review-steven-seagal

You just know you are in for a bad time when you pick a movie from a Steven Seagal 4-Pack from Mill Creek to watch. Attack Force is a 2006 thing they are labeling a film. It’s far from that. It’s in 7 words, One Of The Worst Movies Ever Made. And this reviewer has seen movies with Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill in them.

The trouble starts early in the opening scene where a group of bad guys that look like the good guys almost are escaping while being shot at. They somehow hide motorbikes, covered in the parking lot of the place they are breaking into to steal some thing. After they steal the thing they fight their way out, now with dozens of guards shooting at them. They somehow get to the bikes and uncover them. Time to escape right!

While they are being shot at they stop and think of their own safety and put on European enforced law abiding bike helmets. Are you kidding me! When your life is on the line and could be killed any second are you going to stop and strap on a damn helmet, check your mirrors, the PSI of your tyres? No! Ugh so dumb. So dumb!

This might be the most comprehensible part of the movie. What follows is a slug fest. One that takes multiple times to get through. This is a film you just have on the background as noise. It’s so bad it should be on Netflix streaming! You won’t be able to handle the plot, if you can call it that. Or the cookie cutter bland acting.

Everybody dresses the same, freakin everybody! The costume department must have scored a huge lot of all black clothes and gave them to everybody in the film. It’s not enjoyable in any way. I’m not even having fun writing about it. I’m holding back the urge to just scream!

Apparently the film was shot as an action movie but also at the same time as a sci-fi thriller. I guess they were going to put it together in editing but turned it into an action movie instead. (According to Wikipedia, if that means anything) So when the left overs of sci-fi version come in it just seems bad. Worse than what might appear on the Sci-Fi Channel. Can I un-watch this? Yes, I did finish it. There is no pay off. It all builds up to some action at the end but it’s just not worth the eye torture.

The biggest offense is the plot and the fact that over half of Steven Seagal’s lines are over-dubbed. That would be fine if he did the voices. Nope! Some other guy did them that sounds nothing like him. Even there are times where he speaks buy Seagal’s mouth is not moving. This movie is a turd. It’s a mess and not finished. There are some other spotty voice-over work as well, but nothing as bad as Seagals.

Another detractor is they motion blur out an exposed nipple on a girl wearing a sexy outfit. Why? It’s clearly a rated R movie. Probably close to a hundred people die in the movie, some really brutally. But noooooo! A nipple!

At the end of the movie they enter this old castle for some reason. I think the bad guy is trying to turn everybody in the city into a vampire or something by putting drugs in the water supply. What is he a Ninja Turtle villain? It makes no freakin sense. This set looks just like a set. The lighting will make you think it was a student film. It’s so jarring, there is no screen direction. It’s just a rambled upon set of moving pictures. My head hurts even remembering it.

They follow the formula of showing a nice exterior then going inside to show the audience where they are. Later they stop doing this and you get so confused. Even when they do show the building it’s not very accurate of what the inside sets look like. It’s just some building. Even in the on-screen text they just mention something similar as ‘somewhere in Europe’. My mind can’t handle much more!

Ok, so we know this is not some kind of award winning package. But we just came to see Steven Seagal kick ass. But the movie fails at that. Most of the time Steven is sitting on a couch in all black looking bored and saying parts of dialog that’s all put together by the editor. It makes no sense. He does have a few fights, but they are so closely filmed that you can’t really see what’s going on. Other times a little Asian guy is following him around jumping all around like a cartoon character while at least Seagal is looking tactical. Its just bad. Please don’t watch this movie. There is absolutely nothing to be gained or enjoyed from it.

So if you are going to watch the movie anyways. Here’s what you do. Open the DVD. Put the audio to Spanish and put the subtitles on. I’m sure it will make more sense.

Best Actor : Lisa Lovbrand as Tia

The acting is not particularly bad. Just the script is terrible. Of the main characters I guess Lisa Lovbrand did the best job. I don’t know. Not much to write home about on this movie. They try to build up a backstory with Lisa and Seagal’s character but when she’s just randomly killed at the end of the movie, it’s all for not. What a letdown.
Worst Actor: Film Editor

We are giving this award to the film editor Jonathan Brayley for the piss-poor job of over-dubbing most of the dialog in the movie and doing an absolutely terrible job at it. Go pack boxes for career instead. Second place award goes to the director Michael Keusch.

Best Scene: When It Was Over

Nothing. There is literally nothing good about this movie. It’s like the McDonalds Dollar Menu.

Worst Scene : All Of Them

attack-force-movie-review-steven-seagal-dumb-motorcycle-helmet-laws

Its garage. Big, smelly, rotting, garbage. Even Al Gore would not want to recycle this.

Improvements

Just scrap it. Watching two old guys playing checkers is more exciting.

Hits
-A discount version of Blade.
-Great learning tool for filmmakers on what not to do.
-….? Still better than a Jonah Hill movie!

Misses
-Everything.
-Terrible over-dubbed voices.
-Plot is a sheer mess. It’s unwatchable.

Rating: F (We only rate out of 5 here)

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